I have never been someone who let the fact that I have A.D.D define who I am. Infact, I try to ignore it as much as I possibly can. I would much rather be seen as a slightly neurotic, & a bit arrogant, air head who day dreams far too much. I have have been insulted & looked down upon many times, & each time I remember how & who did, it still makes my blood boil... One time this lady talked so slowly to me to make her point across, she was talking as if I was either very stupid or speaking a different language. Then she goes & actually calls me stupid. I simply walked away from that one... I know I don't always "connect the dots" so to speak, or always realize the obvious, but it's not like I'm incapable of doing it. To me, it is not an excuse. Or rather... It can't be, I won't let it be one.
Lately, though... It seems that I'm being reminded of how my brain works more & more often.
I walk into a crowded room & I can hear everyone talking at once & their conversations start ringing in my ears until it becomes so loud & chaotic I literally have to flee the room...
I hear someone tapping a pencil & I can't concentrate on anything but that for the rest of the period...
I have to re-read the same sentence over & over to understand a simple direction...
I say whatever pops into my head (which isn't always the nicest or the smartest thing to say), and people look at me weird...
I can't hold a simple conversation for more than a few minutes before I become so uncomfortable I lean away from the person talking to me & they think I'm giving them the cold shoulder...
Or I do manage to talk or listen to someone but I can't remember a thing they said...
Or to put it simply, I have very few ways of relating to people.
It's frustrating more than anything else, really. I always feel as if I'm always behind everyone else... & if I don't keep up... well, I suppose I don't know. What would happen if I wasn't able to at least be where everyone else was at?
...
I suppose, I don't really want to find out... A lot of people say I should go at my own pace, but I honestly don't think that will work for me in the future.
I often just twirl a pen in my hand to keep me from getting distracted, it's a little weird, but... whatever.
Oh, well. I guess it's just something I'm going to have to continue on with. It's not like I'm not used to it by now or that it's going away anytime soon... & it's not always a bad thing.
I love the fact that I'm my own person, I march to the beat of my own drum, I can tell the difference from what I want & what I need, I am self-dependant & I don't always need to fill the silence that hangs in the air when I'm alone... but...
It's just something that's always lingering around in the back of my mind.
...I'm not like everyone else. I never will be, no matter how hard I try.
Again, It's just something I'm used to.
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